Simon Chronicles 07

Monday December 18, 2006 – Day 141
After all the nice comments I’ve been getting on this chronicle I was ready to call a publisher. I went back and read the entire thing for the first time – alas, a bit disappointing. But perhaps I have no perspective.

Tuesday December 19, 2006 – Day 142
Today Aari was at the kitchen table wrapping gifts and listening to the news while Simon was in his crib spending a quiet moment watching his automated mobile. Suddenly she realizes that she is hearing a THWACK THWACK sound coming from his room. She runs in. There’s Simon lying in his crib holding onto one of the animals from the mobile while the thing tries to keep going around. Simon looked up at Aari calmly as if to say, “What? I always use my hands�? Our little Simon went from watching to interacting. There is no turning back.

Wednesday December 20, 2006 – Day 143
I was wrapping a Hanukkah gift. Aari walked by and said "I must have changed since becoming a parent. I'm now able to let it go when people use enormous quantities of wrapping paper to wrap something crudely."

I believe I’ve been insulted.

Friday December 22 – Day 145
So we finally get into the car to drive up to Aari’s Mom (Omie) and step-father (Bob), and Aari hadn’t eaten anything all day but had fed Simon a few times and she was dizzy - hungry. I said I would drive a little so she could have a sandwich. I pop the movie soundtrack from “White Christmas�? into the CD deck thing and am badly singing “We’ll follow the old man wherever he wants to go.�? at the top of my lungs when we are pulled over by a police van. Two young officers flank the car and the one on my side taps angrily for me to roll (does anyone roll anymore?) down the window. “License and registration,�? he said menacingly. I begin flipping through my wallet and he barks, “You passed it.�? and I start flipping again to find it. Now of course Simon is crying in the back seat and he says, “You drive like that with a baby in the car?�? And I said, “What?�? and he replied “You ran two red lights and cut off everyone on Eighth Avenue.�? “Sorry�? I said. By this point Aari is saying “sorry officer ... I was hungry… she doesn’t drive much… the baby…�? And the officer says “Where do you usually drive?�? pause pause pause “Where do you drive??�? “I’m thinking�? I reply, “the suburbs?�? “You do know you ran two red lights?�? the officer asked somewhat calmer. “So there’s no right on red in Manhattan?�? He asked firmly, “When was the last time you drove?�? “Uhmmm�? “Look, just change drivers now.�? Aari said, “No, she will never drive again, I’m sorry sir – I don’t normally let her drive but I was dizzy from not eating – it was a big mistake�? and we switched seats and drove away. Then we drove up the Taconic laughing our heads off with the crazed relief of people who had narrowly escaped both jail and a really bad car accident.

Saturday December 23 – Day 146
Aari, Ilana and I went into Hudson to do some shopping. At some point I was with Simon and a saleswoman asked me how old Simon was. “Just about five months�?, I replied. “Is he big for his age?�? she asked. “I have no idea how they run,�? I said. I realized as much as I was trying to be a bit silly, that I really don’t know anything about babies .I don’t know how they run.

Sunday December 24, 2006 – Day 147 Simon 21 weeks old Simon’s first Christmas Eve

Aari told me this story about a friend’s son. When the teacher told him he had a lot of charisma, the 2-year old replied, “No charisma! Hanukkah!�? That’s some good Jewish training.

Monday December 25, 2006 – Day 148
Uncle Miles (Aari’s brother) told Simon this morning, “This is a Christmas Tree. This is where presents grow.�?

In the early evening we were watching a movie on television and Simon for the first time turned and stared at the giant screen with us. Aari and I had sort of agreed we wouldn’t introduce television for the first two years. Well how do you do that? The television is in the apartment, and sometimes it’s on, and now he’s noticed it. Blinders?

Wednesday December 27, 2006 – Day 150
Martha and her faithful Frenchie Benning came out to the cottage for three days. The two of them have their own special relationship with Simon. It’s good to see.

When Aari and I first started talking about having a baby many, many years ago, we thought about adopting a baby girl from China. Two weeks ago China announced new rules regarding foreign adoption. Let’s go through them.

• You have to be legally married
• You can’t be 50 or older
• Body fat cannot exceed 40%
• You can’t be taking medication for depression

Count me out on all counts. Never mind that you have to sign something that says you’re not gay.

Thursday December 29, 2006 – Day 151
I read in one of Aari’s baby books "expect the baby around six months of age to have frequent mood swings, going from crying to laughing with little or no provocation. Emotions take years to stabilize." No kidding! I’m almost fifty and I still haven’t stabilized my emotions.

Saturday December 30, 2006 – Day 153
We decided we would have a just-us night at home. We began the evening by taking silly photos of Simon naked in front of the fireplace. When I picked him up to take him to his bath he pooped on my arm. During his bath he peed in my hair and pooped in the tub. When I took him out of the tub, he threw up on me. Then as I was re-diapering him he had a diarrhea explosion and at the same time that I screamed, Aari screamed because the sink drain had broken. Pasta water flooded the kitchen. We laughed about how everything went wrong and then the toaster over caught on fire and the flue chain broke.

Sunday December 31, 2006 – Day 154
Simon is 5 months old today!

I look at Simon’s red little lips, tiny nose, huge blue eyes, cute melon head and slightly elfin ears and I think he is the cutest baby in the world. I suppose all parents think that of their children – but I really think he is something.

We spent New Year’s Eve at the Bernstein/Geist household – just a nice night with the family. Okay in truth it really was only about a two-hour night (7pm – 9pm) and then we put Simon to bed. But we got some great photos. I tend to think of Yom Kippur in more of a “new year resolution�? way then I do New Year’s Eve. But in looking over 2006 obviously the big news, of course, is everything to do with Simon. I also enjoyed the Rufus Wainwright Judy Garland concert at Carnegie Hall.

Monday January 1, 2007 – Day 155
My nephew Andrew wrote to me about the Simon Chronicles. He said,
"I have to say that it is sometimes hard to read your struggles. We knew that you didn’t really want this Mommy hood thing; that it was for Aari. But raising a baby is clearly evoking all of your negative self-talk, and that is what is really hard for me to see."

Aari told me I’ve been more depressed and negative lately.

Life has always been a little bit harder with the addition of depression – it just coats everything with a smelly sheen and of course it’s hard for people to understand because most of what ails me is swirling in my head and people can't see that like they can a cast on a leg or a hospital visit.

Tuesday January 2, 2007 – Day 156
Simon has had a cough for about 4 or 5 days (doctor says it’s a drool cough). Aari is also worried that he hasn’t been eating much and her milk supply is getting low. He also hasn’t pooped since his Saturday explosion. I got this thought about what if he gets really sick and dies – that it would be devastating and not just because Aari would probably kill herself but because I think he’s really a great little man so far and I believe he’s sweet and funny and special and I wouldn’t want him gone.

Wednesday January 3, 2007 – Day 157
Aari had our babysitter/actress Molly take Simon to his first class today. The class was at Real Birth and it was called "Developmental Movement: 8 wks to precrawling."

My experience with Simon’s movement is he likes to stand if you’re holding him and when he is in the mood to stand there is nothing you can do to get him to fold.

So I asked Aari how it went and she said that they do this thing where they bring all the babies towards the circle and then away, towards and then away, and then on one of the towards Simon grabbed a little girl baby’s hand and it surprised the baby and the mother of the baby.

He is the freaking’ sweetest!!

Thursday January 4, 2007 – Day 158
In the morning before I left for work I was kissing Simon’s stomach and he was giggling and I just wanted that to last forever. But besides having to go to work, Simon kind of got tired of it after awhile.

Congress convened today with Democrats in control of both the House and Senate for the first time in a dozen years.

Friday January 5, 2007 – Day 159
Simon had that diarrhea on Saturday and no real poop since then. He has also been coughing for at least a week and he's been drooling like Matt's dog Enzo, and Martha said the night she baby-sat, Simon had trouble breathing for a moment. So I, along with our baby-sitter/actress Molly (Aari was at a meeting), took him to the pediatrician.

Dr. Rosenfeld said to mix 1 part prune juice with 2 parts water and give it to him. The Doctor also said to turn on the shower hot and sit in the bathroom with Simon and rub Vicks on his chest and back

I got home around 7pm (Friday’s are sweet) and Simon threw up prune juice on my shoulder (I was told he'd done the same on Laurie's jeans a half hour before) and then I gave him a bath and forgot about the Vicks and then the concerned parent that I am I left him and Aari (who has a terrible cold herself) to fend for themselves while I watched a Producers Guild copy of "Dreamgirls." I loved it. It probably would have felt long in the movie theater but in the comfort of our bedroom it was great.

Afterwards when Aari and Simon were sleeping I just couldn't sleep.

At 12:30 he woke Aari on the monitor and I was screwing around on e-mail and didn't hear him. I felt guilty.

Saturday January 6, 2007 – Day 160
I had this thought – I’m sure not an original one but here it is. The beginning of life and end of life (Birth and death if you will) are both wet. There’s vomit, drooling, diarrhea, snot and tears. In some cases blood. It’s just a lot more viscousy and damp then you want it to be. Now love – love is also wet but it’s the good kind of wet.

Sunday January 7, 2007 – Day 161 Simon 23 weeks old
Most mornings these days we are woken up by the sound of Simon practicing making bubbles and/or working on his raspberry sound effect. So you hear all this gurgling and mouth fart sounds and then we go to him and his entire front is soaking wet and he’s grinning like mad.

When I was putting him to bed at night, I had him in my arms and we looked out the window onto Sixth Avenue: the lights of the stores, the cars going up the avenue, people walking... the city alive. I thought that when my parents held me and we looked out the window (and although there is no one alive to confirm or deny this, I would bet anything that never ever happened) we saw basically nothing. I was brought up in the suburbs – maybe one light in the house across the street, and a dim streetlight in the darkness. Simon was really into looking outside so I was too. His room has a great view of the world. Aari and I have lived in the same apartment for 13 years and I don’t think I have ever noticed before.

Monday January 8, 2007 – Day 162
Simon went to his first stand-up comedy show today. Unfortunately for Aari, she accompanied him. It's this thing Aari thought was new mom's doing comedy for new moms who have brought their babies. Well, turns out it was actual stand-ups trying to do comedy for new moms who are sitting on the floor with their babies on blankets. Aari said the interesting part was watching comics deal with older babies walking around the room and totally pulling focus (screaming, grabbing the mike cord). It fought with their need to be the center of attention, and they couldn't figure out whether to try to incorporate the chaos or ignore it. Not to mention an audience sprawled on the floor breastfeeding and too sleep-deprived to answer their questions.

Talk about your bad gigs.

Aari said Simon was also enjoying the bouncy seat with his usual energy for a while and then stopped bouncing and was just sort of hanging there staring. Aari said, “It looks like you might be ready for a nap." Seconds later he fell asleep standing up in the bouncy seat, head on a stuffed toy.

He takes after his Ema. I can sleep anywhere.

Tuesday January 9, 2007 – Day 165
E mail from Aari today:

He's taken on a crazy intensity I haven't seen before this afternoon. There is a boy in there...

Wednesday January 10, 2007 – Day 164
Five things:

• Five months from today I will be fifty years old
• I haven’t gotten my period since October
• I weigh 202 (which sucks but back in October I was 212)
• Simon is the world’s best baby
• I’m always hot